Dec 1, 2011

My Big Decision!~ Saying Goodbye

By Lisa Hensley

Every so often, a series of events seem to occur & force me to stop what I am doing & really think about my intentions.  I am having one of those moments.  It started last week while I was laying in the grass of someone’s home that I truly wished I owned.  It was a Victorian Cottage that looked just like a dollhouse, I once wanted as a small child.  The thoughts continued to rush thru my mind as I watched children playing with their parents in a Park later that afternoon.  I came to the realization that almost 22 years ago my first child was born and then 2 years later another one, and then 2.5 years later one more.  For those first 6 years of being a parent, I think all I thought about was how excited I would be when Bre could crawl or when Raygen could hold her own bottle on her own.  Then when Brittney was born all I could think about was how nice it was that Bre would be starting Pre-school that year and I would only have two of them at home with me.  I remember thinking how happy I was I got the three of them to bed at night and how that was the best part of the whole day.  Please don’t get me wrong I loved my babies, I loved everything about being a mom.  I was fulfilling a life long dream, however I think I spent more time thinking about “when they were going to be capable of this or that” then I did enjoying each moment of their precious lives.

I went on to have 3 more beautiful daughters who are now 13, 11 and 9.  Samantha will be graduating from 8th Grade this year and Gracen will be starting Jr.  High.  I never got to be at home with the younger 3 girls.  I have been working for the better part of the last 12 years at a Real Estate Office.  I never got to attend very many class parties, never attended any PTO meetings or sold cupcakes at their Bake Sales.  I come home after work and cooked dinner and helped with homework.  On the weekends it is all about cleaning and running errands (but only if I didn't have a Photo Shoot) that I couldn’t do during the week because I am working.  I feel as though I am just a part time parent silently going thru the motions.

My oldest daughter is now living on her own and my 2nd oldest not too far behind her.  Brittney will be leaving for College next year after she graduates from High School.  That only leaves a few years left with Samantha until she graduates from High School in 4 years and Gracen & Jayden are just about ready to enter the phase where they hate mom.

Wow, how did 22 years of parenting just fly by like that?  I spent so much time wishing away their childhood and now it is gone and I want it back! I want to play in the park again with BreAnna and listen to her beautiful laughter.  I want to spend more time at the Zoo with Raygen and watch her eyes light up when she sees all of the animals.  I want to sit on the floor and read with Brittney and watch her little expressions as she tries to figure out the story line.

All of these thoughts are weaving thru my brain and forcing me to think about things differently than I have before.  Because I only have a few years left with my 3 little girls before they leave my arms and venture out into the world on their own.

I have been trying hard to work 3 jobs, to stay on top of all of my obligations and in doing so I have neglected the most important role I have, the role of Motherhood!

Over the last few days I have clarified exactly what it all means to me.  My family must come first and I have made some pretty conscious decisions lately to let some opportunities go, because I am afraid that my family would pay the price.  As for my photography business I have decided to shut it down. It turned into something that I just loved to do as a hobby, into something that stole time from my family.  I need to find a way for it to be my little place of happiness again, something I can do to express my appreciation for the world that God created for us.  Photography is such a passion for me, I see the beauty in everything around me.  It makes it so much sweeter when I can actually capture it in an image and make that moment mine forever.  I have found that I am starting to resent that little black camera in the corner of my bedroom and I never want to feel that way again.  Hopefully some time apart from each other will be good for us.

So to everyone that has supported me up until this point I want to say thank you! Thank you for your love, thank you for building me up, thank you for making me feel as if I was an important part in your life, for that small amount of time we spent together.

If I could share just one piece of advice to all of my fans, please remember that each moment we have with our families and friends is a precious gift.  Children leave our lives to quickly, moments pass without a care in the world, and relationships change in a moment’s time.

Enjoy life!  Enjoy every moment and give every second you are given “your full attention!”

~Lisa Hensley


melodipop said...

Thank you so much for this. I am still at home with my first 3 children and I have known for a long time that now is not my time to get serious with my photography. I logged on to facebook and saw this article in my newsfeed. I've been looking for the strength to just say "no", and your article gave me the strength I needed to do that. Thank you once again for your courage and humility and for sharing your experiences. I wish you all the best for your future with your beautiful children. God bless xx

Larkin's said...

I think lots of Mom-togs feel this way from time to time. I know I have. Thanks for sharing your experience with us Lisa :)

Julie Livermore said...

Good luck, I am sure you will continue to make beautiful art--for pleasure not work!